Apparently I was a troublemaker from the beginning. It was not my intention to cause trouble but by nature I was designed this way. I was not much for following rules that I thought were stupid and pointless. Not that I put much thought into things when I was six or eight or ever, I just did stuff.
Like the time I had just stuck a piece of watermelon flavored Bubbliscious gum in my mouth while my third grade teacher Mrs. Latke was teaching us about the anatomy of a vagina.
Just as I was able to jam the delicious sticky treat into my mouth Mrs. Latke turned from the vagina diagram and locked her evil eyes onto mine with the death stare. (I am convinced she hated me). She slowly walked over to me with her fist slightly clenched (or maybe she was just holding the chalk I don’t know):
This was serious business in third grade okay?
As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough to have a diagram of a vagina plastered on the chalkboard with a flaccid penis picture to the right of it…
Mrs. Latke: What’s in your mouth?
Me: Nupping (trying to move the wad of gum out of the way without drooling).
What I was really thinking: Fuck you!
Mrs. Latke: Well then why do I smell something fruity?
Me: Shrugged my shoulders because talking was not an option at this point.
What I was really thinking: Seriously? Did you seriously just say fruity you stupid bitch?
Mrs. Latke: Do you have gum in your mouth?
Me: Shaking my head no. (The thought of swallowing the gum did not occur to me).
What I was really thinking: Better than having a penis in my mouth. Is this really THAT big of a fucking deal?
Mrs. Latke: Are you lying? I know you’re lying. Spit the gum out
So I attempted to get out of my chair to spit the gum in the garbage can and she pushed me back down into my chair, “No, spit it in your hand and stick it on your nose!”
What I was thinking: Are you fucking kidding me? Have you lost your fucking mind?
I did nothing. The entire class was staring at me as I sat there thinking of the humiliation of putting that sticky, slimy wad of bright pink watermelon mush on my nose which was definitely not a large enough surface to place this ginormous piece of gum on. I was eight for Christ Sake!
Mrs. Latke: Gina, put the gum on your nose or I can give you a detention after school.
Aw shit, really? This would mean my mother would have to pick me up after school when she gets off of work which means my detention really wouldn’t end until 5:30pm. I would miss He-Man, The Thundercats, TopCat and The Jackson Five! Not to mention that I would have to listen to my mother rant the entire way home about how selfish I am by making her go out of her way to pick me up from school while she bangs relentlessly on the steering wheel with every syllable she speaks. She would say, “I-can’t-be-lieve-how-sel-fish-you-are-make-ing-me-go-out-of-my-way-to-pick-you-up-be-cause-you-can’t-seem-to-be-have-your-self! Don’t-you-ev-er-think-a-bout-an-y-one-but-your-self?!”
Umm, I’m eight? So not really, no.
Ironically, I did think this through but the end result of my decision was entirely selfish. The thought of all this was enough to make me take the gum out of my mouth, completely against my will, and stick it on the end of my nose. This piece of gum was so big that I feared it would get stuck in my eyebrows. As I did this everyone turned away, which was even more humiliating for me because this meant it was so bad that it was painful for people to even watch the shenanigan’s of this mean ass whore.
At the end of the day I learned a very valuable lesson though: First, to get the Hubba Bubba brand from now on because it doesn’t stick to anything (that was the major selling point of this gum, remember?) and second, become a master at hiding the gum in my mouth. Because if there is a lesson to be learned here, it’s not to get caught when doing shit you shouldn’t be doing, no matter how pointless and stupid the rules are.
As much as I would like to draw a picture of this incident for you, my drawing skills completely suck so you’ll just have to get imaginative and come up with your own. Feel free to e-mail me with pictures. Maybe I’ll post them here.
~Find the Funny Today